Jeeyoung Kim
His story
This is my father’s story. He died of lung cancer in 1997, likely linked
to his exposure to Agent Orange during the Vietnam War.
poor
cold
hungry
a sick parent
and six small siblings
looked up to me.
that bitter winter
to warm their tiny hands,
I wandered—
miles on frozen feet
chasing fallen branches for fire.
after middle school,
began to work at hospital
helping doctors
taking care of my family
then came the rumor:
if I became a medic in a war,
my family would eat well and live well.
the day I left,
I sat on the train with numbness
staring at the far-off hills.
then suddenly
outside the window
my aunt.
my second brother.
I leapt from the train
wrapped them in my arms
wept, desperately wept
then I returned
and walked into the cloud of smoke
inside the smoke
I could not hold on
I could not breathe
so I let myself go.
something in me disappeared
only my body returned
a stranger
to the ones who once knew me.
and my daughter
I waited for,
dreamed of,
never saw the light.
she, too, was lost.
who am I now?
where have I gone?
what made me into this man?
Jeeyoung Kim is an ordained clergy and Ph.D. student who has served in churches, hospitals, and nonprofit organizations. She worked with the Moral Injury Certification Program at the Shay Center and is deeply grateful for the opportunity to collaborate with the dedicated professionals she met through the program.