poor
cold
hungry

a sick parent
and six small siblings
looked up to me.

that bitter winter
to warm their tiny hands,
I wandered—
miles on frozen feet
chasing fallen branches for fire.

 after middle school,
began to work at hospital
helping doctors
taking care of my family

then came the rumor:
if I became a medic in a war,
my family would eat well and live well.

the day I left,
I sat on the train with numbness
staring at the far-off hills.

then suddenly
outside the window
my aunt.
my second brother.

I leapt from the train
wrapped them in my arms
wept, desperately wept
then I returned
and walked into the cloud of smoke

inside the smoke
I could not hold on

I could not breathe
so I let myself go.

something in me disappeared
only my body returned

a stranger
to the ones who once knew me.

and my daughter
I waited for,
dreamed of,
never saw the light.
she, too, was lost.

who am I now?
where have I gone?
what made me into this man?